Resources

~Photos and videos (maternity, birth, newborn, and memorial service) ~Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a free service of professional photographers across the country for bereaved families https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/families/. ~Journal their story ~Keepsake jewelry (breastmilk, hair, nail clippings, footprints, handprints) ~Memorial flower preservation (pressed flowers or resin) ~Footprints and handprints (https://www.amazon.com/Clean-Touch-Baby-Handprints-Footprints/dp/B07C5R69KK ) ~Photobook or scrapbook memorializing your whole journey through pregnancy and birth. ~A storybook with photos of your little one's pregnancy and birth that you can read to your other children (e.g. by adding text to a Shutterfly photobook) ~Keepsake box with their things (e.g. baby blanket, clothes, positive pregnancy test, a stuffy especially for them, etc.) ~Molly Bears is an organization that makes one special bear at the exact weight of your little one https://mollybears.org/ ~Making clothes that would fit your baby whether or not you choose to dress them (e.g. knitted or crocheted hats, sewed onesie, etc.) ~A birth certificate.

Name your baby. Even if you don't know the sex. Meditate on the name that feels right. Naming your baby brings incredible peace and helps you keep your connection to them. Make memories. Hold your baby. Look at your baby. Take photos of your baby. It may seem like an impossible feat, but you will not regret the memories you make. If you are still pregnant, continue doing the things you love to do with your baby. Create special moments too. Perhaps there is a beautiful place nearby you could take a picnic or a piece of art you could create. Consider their legacy. No one expects to carry on the legacy of their children, yet many of us find ourselves in that position. At first, the idea that anything "good" could come from this seems impossible and intolerable. But the good is your child's legacy. It's the gift they have given to the world and the impact of a life well lived, however short it may have been. Pay attention to what you are inspired or motivated to do during this time and lean into that. Journal their story. From pregnancy through birth and beyond into their legacy, your baby's story is a powerful one. Include them when you tell people how many children you have. Keepsakes. I share a list of suggestions under the keepsakes question. Have a memorial service, such as a celebration of life or funeral service. Have a get-together or an intimate celebration on their birthday every year. Make a list of their favorites. Did you crave a food item during pregnancy? Did you have a special song you sang just for them? Did you have a route you often walked during pregnancy? Was there something that always made them dance around in your belly? These are their favorite things. Write them down and keep the list somewhere special. Create a garden or plant a tree in their honor.

What I learned with my daughter is that each of our children has their own mission here on this earth. We as parents do everything we can to prepare, guide, and support them, but we don't get to choose what their mission is or how long they have to do it. Your baby only needed this time that they had to make their impact and complete their mission here. Your little one got to spend their entire life feeling safety, warmth, and love in your precious womb. They went on walks with you, tried tons of different foods, and had so many experiences with you during their life. There are so many things you and I won't do in our lives, yet we can live full and rich lives nonetheless. Focus on what you baby did get to do with you during their life.

Yes.

Yes. Each birth is unique. Whether you give birth naturally at home, through c-section, to a stillborn, or in a miscarriage, you carried your child and birthed them through your body into this world. This baby will always be your child.

Remember that your little one only needed this time on earth to complete their mission here. You can still name your baby, memorialize them, carry on their legacy, and make keepsakes. This is still your baby.

Maybe you chose not to look at or hold your baby. Maybe you didn't have time for many memories. Or maybe you hadn't thought about taking photos. If you have regrets, feel guilt, or have a lack of closure, there are still things you can do now. ~Name your baby if you haven't. I've seen firsthand how much peace and closure this can bring. ~Pray to your baby. Talk to them and apologize if that's something you feel like you need to do. ~Write your baby's story and your grief journey. ~Make mementos or keepsakes. A memorial plaque with their name and birthdate is a great option. ~Have a memorial. This can be small and intimate. ~Connect with other families or a grief counselor.

It's okay. It is difficult to see your baby like that, but I promise you that you won't regret it. When you look at your baby, you'll see through their condition and only see your baby. And when you later recall what they look like, it will be their features you'll remember: they're little nose, their perfect lips, their fingers.

This will inevitably be difficult for your children. If they are old enough to know what's happened, they will express their grief within their capabilities. It may look like crying, sleep regressions, even hitting or fighting. Seek to extend grace, patience, and love onto your children. Find other families who have gone through this or are currently going through it so you can support each other. ~Make them a picture book that tells the story of their sibling ~Give them a doll or stuffed animal that's named after their sibling ~Offer them ways to express their emotions such as art and play ~Consider attending a grief retreat with other families ~Talk about their sibling. Listen if they want to talk, but don't push them to do so ~Involve them in memorialization, keepsake creation, and memory making

I would encourage engaging in whatever level of intimacy you are physically capable of doing. Intimacy with your spouse is a beautiful tool you have to stay connected to and support each other through this hard time. The rush of hormones like oxytocin can help throughout your grief journey. It is nothing to feel guilty about. Sensual touch, massages, and sexual activity such as giving handjobs or oral sex are all options you can explore as you're ready. It is important to not have anything penetrate you vaginally while you are still bleeding. When do you receive sexual penetration, take it slowly. It's a big step both physically and emotionally but nothing to be afraid of.

You won't forget your baby. What I learned is that grief is a companion much like love. It is always with you; it only changes form. Sometimes it looks like sadness or anger, while at other times it looks like happiness or inspiration.

For me in those first few weeks after my daughter was born, I could sense this bottomless pool beneath me. It scared me, and I knew if I dipped into it, I could get lost there forever. It's extremely important to be fully present in your grief but to keep your mind away from dark thoughts. When you feel your mind slipping, immediately redirect it. There are truths you will find comfort it. Hold onto those and repeat them to yourself. I also found that choosing to remain strong for my daughter kept me afloat. Every decision I made was what was best for her, from the moment we found out her heart was no longer beating until we integrated into our "new normal". I chose to enjoy every moment we had with her. I wanted to be strong to give her a beautiful birth. I chose faith over fear. I refused to think that this was the result of something evil or a punishment laid on me. I fully believe that this is her story and meant to be. That kept me from getting lost. Focus on your baby's legacy, planning a memorial, or creating keepsakes. Give yourself something creative to pour into. Handcrafts like knitting, sewing, crocheting, embroidery, and cross stitch, as well as writing, drawing, and painting are all things you can do while you recover post partum. Sit in the sun, even if it's at a window in winter. Vitamin D supplements and passionflower tea or tincture help as well. Nourish yourself. Ask a close friend or family member to start a meal train for you. Your friends or family could also help with chores around the house.

Whether you are trying to get pregnant right away or you're hoping there will be some time before the next pregnancy, the first few periods can be hard. It can seem like a cruel reminder that you're not pregnant or trigger memories of what you have recently been through. I found it helpful to recognize that my period is a sign my body is healing. It means my hormones are balancing. It's one step closer to being able to carrying another life when that time comes. During mensuration, we often feel fatigued; it's a reminder to slow down, reflect, and release. This week, you might feel like you're going through a loss, and that's because you are. You're losing the lining that was built up this past month, and it can also feel like you're losing the potential for and hope of what could have been. As a friend and another mother of loss said to me, "The ritual cleansing is a time to reflect and to refill that empty place within. Both physically and spiritually." Slow down this week. Pause your workouts. Drink and eat warm, nourishing things. Meditate or try yin yoga. Journal. Cry. Allow creativity to flow without a productive goal in mind. I encourage you to wear pads instead of tampons or cups to experience the full release and allow your pelvic floor to completely relax. Stuffing ourselves up physically can encourage us to stuff ourselves up emotionally and spiritually as well.

Congratulations! Carrying new life is a beautiful, rewarding, and often healing experience. Your first pregnancy after loss can be emotionally complicated. Talk to this baby and tell them about their older sibling, the little one who lived in this womb just before them. You can explain your grief and how you are processing it. Babies feel so much in the womb, and telling them about what you're feeling will help both of you. Tell this baby how excited you are and what you're looking forward to with them. This pregnancy will also be an exercise in faith over fear. This is a whole new life you are carrying and a unique child with their own story and mission on this earth. This pregnancy will be uniquely theirs. Make choices that are best for their wellbeing, which, of course, fundamentally includes taking care of their current home (you!).

This is a very personal decision based on what you can bear to say. I do encourage you to tell at least one person who can hold your family during this time so you are not doing this alone. People often understand what you mean without you needing to be too exact in your words.

You have as long as you want. You can choose to go into labor naturally, induce labor, birth with pain medication or an epidural, or get a D&C. Speak with your healthcare provider, but you can likely continue on with your birth plan and give birth at home or in a birth center. The risk of infection is quite small, though it isn't impossible. Take your temperature periodically to monitor that. If you do get an infection and would still like to labor your baby, ask if you can receive antibiotics. If a D&C is necessary, remember that it is still birth for your little one. You can still make memories with your baby after they are born and then have them prepared for burial or cremation. The other thing to consider is that your baby's body will begin to change. Peeling skin and swelling is common and will be more pronounced as time goes on. Laboring your baby and birthing into water will be the gentlest on their body. Once your baby is born, they can be preserved for several days in a sterile saline solution within a vessel, such as a jar. This is very similar to their environment in your womb. In fact, for babies who are buried, I call this vessel their "forever womb." Keeping the body cool will also help with preservation. Don't put ice in with your baby; rather, use a refrigerator or a cooler. Your healthcare provider will help provide all of these things and guide you in this process. Preserving your baby temporarily will give you time to have a photographer come and for you to make memories with your little one.

Once your baby is born, they can be preserved for several days in a sterile saline solution within a vessel, such as a jar. This is very similar to their environment in your womb. In fact, for babies who are buried, I call this vessel their "forever womb." Keeping the body cool will also help with preservation. Don't put ice in with your baby; rather, use a refrigerator or a cooler. Your healthcare provider will help provide all of these things and guide you in this process. Preserving your baby temporarily will give you time to have a photographer come and for you to make memories with your little one. If your photographer is coming soon, you can also hold your baby and begin making memories before they arrive.

Likely yes. Bodies often want to get pregnant quickly after loss. Your body also has tremendous wisdom and may recognize that you need more time physically or emotionally. Ask your healthcare provider all of the questions you have regarding this.

It depends on the gestational age of your baby and the type of birth you had. You will experience bleeding, and your uterus will need to shrink no matter what. This was also a traumatic experience for your body, so recovery will be needed both in the form of trauma release as well as postpartum healing. Nourish yourself with warm foods, bone broth, lots of fluids, and plenty of protein. Avoid stairs or too much movement the first few days to a week. Begin increasing physical activity slowly as you feel ready. If you start to bleed, pass large clots, or if initial bleeding lasts more than a week, contact your healthcare provider. Stretch as your can, but be gentle on your body. Once you are physically up for it, I recommend postpartum yoga and yin yoga, both of which will be gentle on your recovering body and help with trauma release.

State laws regarding notification and disposition options for miscarriage and stillbirth: https://heavensgain.org/state-laws/ General disposition laws by state: https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/burial-laws-by-state